This Just In: The world’s strongest vagina does not belong to Paris Hilton

Well, we obviously knew that.  I would imagine she would garner the ‘world’s flappiest/herpesque/carpet burned’ – but hardly the strongest, aka. tightest.

The Guinness Book of World Records apparently has a category for anything – from longest eyebrows to typing from one to one million (in words, not numbers – on a typewriter. With one finger. Only took 16 years – apparently all work and no play made this guy a very dull man) to most rattlesnakes held in one mouth (Ten, by the way.  What a waste of a talent if this guy were straight).  

So while I’ve never heard of any of those before,  I wasn’t too surprised when I missed the news on the vagina that could lift 31 pounds.  So when Russian Tatiana Kozhevnikova, 42, like most new moms, became quite concerned about no longer being ‘tight’ down there, she took Kegels to a whole new level.  

To pump up her vagina a la Rocky Balboa strength, she read up on the ancient Dao practice of sticking balls up your vagina. Ben Wa balls, to be exact.  They’re these tiny marble-sized hollow balls that contain a small weight and are used for sexual stimulation.  Or pumping serious vagina iron. Apparently you can keep these balls up your vagina all day.  Or while you’re sitting in a rocking chair, which some find to be quite pleasurable.  Now I get why women knit!

So feeling up to the challenge, Tatiana grabbed her favorite Murano glass ball and shoved it up her sagging post-natal cooch and started with her power sets.  Apparently though it got ‘lost’ up there and took her ‘ages’ to get it out.  I could see that.  If I had the opportunity to walk around with balls up my vagina, I’d ‘lose’ them intentionally every day.   

She learnt her ‘lesson’ and to remedy this, she ended up attaching a custom made barbell composed of two glass balls and a safety string and started training.  For 15 years.  15 years!  And then once she scored the World Record title, she went and out-vagina’ed herself.  So yes, two World Record titles under her belt. Literally.

Now, seeing Ben Wa balls were also designed for use on the anus, you can bet her competitive vagina is looking to challenge some of her other holes. Just think :  she could hold the World’s Strongest front and back door titles!  Which is ironic, because there’s probably not going to be too many people a-knockin’ on either of them for fear of her climaxing and killing their rattlesnakes.  Kind of a buzz kill.

The Beaver from Brazil

Calories burned during sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES 
With her consent = 12 Calories 
Without her consent = 2,187 Calories 

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands = 8 Calories
With one hand = 12 Calories
With your teeth = 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection = 6 Calories
Without an erection = 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary = 12 Calories
69 lying down = 78 Calories
69 standing up = 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow = 216 Calories
Doggy Style = 326 Calories 
Italian chandelier = 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real = 112 Calories
Fake = 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging = 18 Calories
Getting up immediately = 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately = 816 Calories 


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 
20-29 years = 36 Calories 
30-39 years = 80 Calories
40-49 years = 124 Calories 
50-59 years = 1,972 Calories 
60-69 years = 7,916 Calories 
70 and over = Results are still pending 

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. = 32 Calories 
In a hurry = 98 Calories 
With her father knocking at the door = 5,218 Calories 
With your wife knocking at the door = 13,521 Calories 

Results may vary.

Tinseltown’s Aging Men

Hollywood men are not immune to the pressures of looking young and abolishing any signs of facial expressions besides ‘repetitively surprised’.  They want to keep their youth as much as they want to keep their 20-year old girlfriends.  So what to do, what to do?   I KNOW!  Let’s reverse the signs of aging by ye olde nip and tuck (not the same as ‘the tuck’).

Have a look at some of the men who look ’surprisingly’ youthful – if by youthful your measuring stick is Joan Rivers. 

Burt Reynolds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clint Eastwood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kenny Rogers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert Redford

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ray Liotta

road trippin’ to banff

hot or not

In honor of ‘The Office’ Hilary Swank hot-or-not pool, I thought I’d stir up my own cocktail of celebrity mix.

Please, loyal viewers, help me determine whether these celebrities are, as the title suggests, ‘Hot or Not’.

 

Mickey Rourke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Portia de Rossi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hayden Panettiere

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teri Hatcher

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gisele Bundchen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert Pattinson 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Renee Zellweger

Pixar’s latest man/boy love story

So I don’t know much about Pixar’s latest movie “Up”, but I think I can do a better job in summing it up than I did with Clint Eastwood’s “Gran Torino” (It’s about a bunch of Asians that keep going on Clint Eastwood’s lawn):

It’s about a 78 year old man.  And a boy scout.  And they spend a lot of time together. Alone. And there’s balloons.  And a house that flies. 

Is it just me or does this not sound like a story written by members of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association)?

So You Think You Might Be Pregnant?

Whilst figuring out if you can get pregnant by a tampon (you can’t), I found a list of equally perplexing queries that fell under the ‘unanswered’ pregnancy-related questions. Below each are my responses that I think you will find are pretty medically sound.    

 

>What does it mean when you have liquids coming from the breast?

If it has a milky and tangy taste to it but does not, I repeat does not taste like pineapple then pat yourself on the back, you take a cum shot like a champ (and you can’t get pregnant that way…trust me). 

>Why do you get anal cramps during your period? 

Well, when your boyfriend doesn’t want to get his red wings during that time of the month, then you’ll find him still wanting to rock out with his cock out – only this time it will be behind door #2.  Hence, the anal cramps. Though it should only last length of your period, he’ll probably end up enjoying it so you better get used to relaxing that sphincter, making the anal cramps less of a mystery!

>Can yeast infections prevent pregnancy? 

Why yes – they can!  Because no one will want to have sex with you with that smelly discharge! By that rationale, It stands to reason chlamydia, gonorrhea, and National Geographic bush are great homeopathic forms of birth control.  

>Does your body smell different when pregnant? 

Yes, it will tend to smell a lot like pickles with a hint of vanilla.  And cob webs.  It will also tend to smell a lot like home, because that’s where you’ll be stuck for the next 18 years.

>Could you be pregnant if your nipples burned for the first time ever while working out and you’re trying to conceive? 

I think the nipples burning would have less to do with you being pregnant and more to do with you showing off your old stripper moves at the gym.  I suggest unclamping the 3 pound weights from your nipples and they should stop burning.   Show-off.  

But hey – don’t use my medical expertise as the final word on your pregnancy.  The best way to tell if you’re pregnant?   Your boyfriend stops returning your phone calls.